I guess I should back up first and lay the groundwork behind this journey, lest you think we jumped in to something without weighing the risks, etc to such a big decision.
I've always known that I wanted and hoped to be mom to at least three kids. Of course I'm beyond grateful for the two that I do have (you can read about that journey here) but knew that our family was still not complete. Of course I was hoping that the Lord would bring Kenny & I a miracle pregnancy along the way and spare us from another ivf journey, we basically have let nature take its course since the boys were about 6 months old, so a little more than three years now. But that was not His plan.
Despite my eagerness to have another baby, I'm completely and utterly terrified of the whole pregnancy thing in general (as is Kenny, you have no idea), considering I went into labor at 22 weeks, and although I was carrying a double load, that doesn't change the fact that I still only had two pounds of baby in me which is way way too tiny for even a singleton.
So a year ago we started talking more in depth about taking the steps to grow our family and that started with a visit to my ob (I changed drs following the boys birth) followed by a pre-pregnancy consultation with a specialist in high risk pregnancies. We needed to hear for our own pieces of mind that it was not foolish for me to carry another child and both drs gave me the green light with the understanding that I would be treated as high risk and that certain measures and precautions will be in place and we all agreed that we would only consider doing a single embryo transfer to limit the potential risks.
Next up was visiting the RE (reproductive endocrinologist). This was also a new doctor, since I got so sick last time we decided to have a fresh start with our entire medical team. In September of last year we met with them and had different blood tests run in anticipation of our journey. We decided since the boys were still young and quite a handful we wanted to wait until their third birthday to do all this, which was last December. However the stars did not align for me and our waiting game continued.
I'm not normally very patient at all, once I've made up my mind about something I'm ready to get on with it, but I was proud of myself for not rushing things. So anyways we finally got the ball rolling with our IVF cycle back in May.
So for the next month I spent lots and lots of time on the road for my two hour round trip drives for sometimes daily blood work and ultrasounds. Balancing all the trips with making sure somebody was able to watch the boys during all this was exhausting and it was so frustrating as it looked like my body was never going to cooperate. But finally on June 10th (almost exactly four years from our retrieval for the twins), we had our egg retrieval.
And 5 days later with much optimism and hope we transferred ONE perfect embryo. Funny how crazy all this ivf stuff is because this embryo was considered a much better grade candidate than either of the ones that we transferred last time. It was already "hatched" into the part that would become the baby and the part that would become the placenta which is much further developed than A&A were. My two week wait was filled with much stress and drama including bed rest, strep throat and the whole broken rib saga. So after all that and for reasons we'll never know this embryo did not implant.
We were SO totally fortunate with Adam & Andrew in that our ivf was successful on the first try (times two) but still it's so strange to me that we have conceived this human being that we saw and have a picture of and everything, but then they just vanished. I know that happens everyday naturally but when you are completely unable to conceive on your own, it's such a big thing to wrestle with.
It's just totally amazing to me how God orchestrates each and every life into existence. The overwhelming odds that babies overcome every day to make it to their birth is just mind blowing, as is how seemingly easy it is for some people to make it to that point while for others it's such an impossibility.
For Kenny & I, it just looks like probability wasn't on our side this time around and of course we trust that this was God's plan.
I didn't think I would be as sad because I already have my two precious miracles here with me. Don't get me wrong, Adam & Andrew are more wonderful and appreciated than anything I could have imagined.
But nevertheless it's painful when you have your heart set on something and to think about what might have been, and it's frustrating and disappointing to put so much time and effort and pain and shots and procedures and a small fortune toward something so important only to have it fall through with nothing to show other than a lot of lingering hormones and extra ivf weight ;-).
The silver lining to all this is that unlike with the boys cycle, this time we have a good snow baby candidate that hopefully we'll get to transfer down the road and hopefully that will be the ONE that joins our family. Single embryo transfers (especially frozen) unfortunately don't carry as high of success rates and we are unwavering on our decision on that. (prayers for this baby are always appreciated ;-)
On a funny note I can't help but crack up when I hear Andrew pray with much vigor (and texas accent) "God, can you PLEASE put my baby in my mama's tummy so I can be a big brother like Hudson & Jackson?" (they have no idea about all this)
At this point I'm not giving up hope just yet that someday Adam & Andrew will be big brothers to the baby that God has planned just for us.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11