Tuesday, July 20, 2010

In case you were wondering, there will be no baby joining our family next March

I was not planning to post on this topic during the journey but since the personal details seem to have slipped out to lots of people already I figured I might as well share. Plus I can't take the heartache of one more person coming up with that joyful knowing look asking me if I have any big news I want to share followed by that awkward moment where I tell them no. I'm hoping this will put an end to the speculation. I know people really do genuinely care about us and want to know because of that. (plus I want a record of this process for my own purposes, thus the lengthiness of this post)

I guess I should back up first and lay the groundwork behind this journey, lest you think we jumped in to something without weighing the risks, etc to such a big decision.

I've always known that I wanted and hoped to be mom to at least three kids. Of course I'm beyond grateful for the two that I do have (you can read about that journey here) but knew that our family was still not complete. Of course I was hoping that the Lord would bring Kenny & I a miracle pregnancy along the way and spare us from another ivf journey, we basically have let nature take its course since the boys were about 6 months old, so a little more than three years now. But that was not His plan.

Despite my eagerness to have another baby, I'm completely and utterly terrified of the whole pregnancy thing in general (as is Kenny, you have no idea), considering I went into labor at 22 weeks, and although I was carrying a double load, that doesn't change the fact that I still only had two pounds of baby in me which is way way too tiny for even a singleton.

So a year ago we started talking more in depth about taking the steps to grow our family and that started with a visit to my ob (I changed drs following the boys birth) followed by a pre-pregnancy consultation with a specialist in high risk pregnancies. We needed to hear for our own pieces of mind that it was not foolish for me to carry another child and both drs gave me the green light with the understanding that I would be treated as high risk and that certain measures and precautions will be in place and we all agreed that we would only consider doing a single embryo transfer to limit the potential risks.

Next up was visiting the RE (reproductive endocrinologist). This was also a new doctor, since I got so sick last time we decided to have a fresh start with our entire medical team. In September of last year we met with them and had different blood tests run in anticipation of our journey. We decided since the boys were still young and quite a handful we wanted to wait until their third birthday to do all this, which was last December. However the stars did not align for me and our waiting game continued.

I'm not normally very patient at all, once I've made up my mind about something I'm ready to get on with it, but I was proud of myself for not rushing things. So anyways we finally got the ball rolling with our IVF cycle back in May.

So for the next month I spent lots and lots of time on the road for my two hour round trip drives for sometimes daily blood work and ultrasounds. Balancing all the trips with making sure somebody was able to watch the boys during all this was exhausting and it was so frustrating as it looked like my body was never going to cooperate. But finally on June 10th (almost exactly four years from our retrieval for the twins), we had our egg retrieval.

And 5 days later with much optimism and hope we transferred ONE perfect embryo. Funny how crazy all this ivf stuff is because this embryo was considered a much better grade candidate than either of the ones that we transferred last time. It was already "hatched" into the part that would become the baby and the part that would become the placenta which is much further developed than A&A were. My two week wait was filled with much stress and drama including bed rest, strep throat and the whole broken rib saga. So after all that and for reasons we'll never know this embryo did not implant.

We were SO totally fortunate with Adam & Andrew in that our ivf was successful on the first try (times two) but still it's so strange to me that we have conceived this human being that we saw and have a picture of and everything, but then they just vanished. I know that happens everyday naturally but when you are completely unable to conceive on your own, it's such a big thing to wrestle with.

It's just totally amazing to me how God orchestrates each and every life into existence. The overwhelming odds that babies overcome every day to make it to their birth is just mind blowing, as is how seemingly easy it is for some people to make it to that point while for others it's such an impossibility.

For Kenny & I, it just looks like probability wasn't on our side this time around and of course we trust that this was God's plan.

I didn't think I would be as sad because I already have my two precious miracles here with me. Don't get me wrong, Adam & Andrew are more wonderful and appreciated than anything I could have imagined.

But nevertheless it's painful when you have your heart set on something and to think about what might have been, and it's frustrating and disappointing to put so much time and effort and pain and shots and procedures and a small fortune toward something so important only to have it fall through with nothing to show other than a lot of lingering hormones and extra ivf weight ;-).

The silver lining to all this is that unlike with the boys cycle, this time we have a good snow baby candidate that hopefully we'll get to transfer down the road and hopefully that will be the ONE that joins our family. Single embryo transfers (especially frozen) unfortunately don't carry as high of success rates and we are unwavering on our decision on that. (prayers for this baby are always appreciated ;-)

On a funny note I can't help but crack up when I hear Andrew pray with much vigor (and texas accent) "God, can you PLEASE put my baby in my mama's tummy so I can be a big brother like Hudson & Jackson?" (they have no idea about all this)

At this point I'm not giving up hope just yet that someday Adam & Andrew will be big brothers to the baby that God has planned just for us.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11


Mountain Girl said...

Oh, I am so sorry. I will pray (like Andrew) that God will put a baby in your tummy so that Andrew and Adam can be big brothers!

Rachel said...

Thanks so much for sharing Lindsey. I have been wondering about all of it and I really appreciate your honesty and vulnerability about such a hard process and journey. I am so sad this IVF round didn't work for y'all. I know it's hard. I pray along with sweet Andrew that the Lord would indeed put a baby in your tummy soon!!

Kierstyn said...

I knew the journey had begun, but I didn't realize the whole extent. I'm praying for you and your (hopefully soon!!) growing family.

Julie Arnold said...

Lindsey - so sorry to hear this. I suffered a loss too...it's a really hard thing to deal with. I believe God will answer Andrew's prayer, and we'll throw some prayers on the pile too!

Anonymous said...

Oh Lindsey, I'm so sorry for your loss! I lost my last child at 16 weeks...Praying so hard for your poor aching heart!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jeremiah 29:11-13 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.
Prayer Bears
My email address

Carey said...

Praying for you.

The Synnott's said...

you are so brave and i am so proud of you to share this with us. i will be praying for you and the whole procedure, i know how hard it can be. good luck and if you need anything down here just let me know!!! much love and prayers

Tricia said...

Oh I am sorry to hear this. Not saying I know what you are going through, b/c I don't - but I do know how it feels to lose babies, and it hurts! I am sad for you, but praying the Lord holds you close and gives peace that only He can.

Anonymous said...

What comfort these words give! Praying!
John 14:1-3 Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.
Prayer Bears
My email address

danapate said...

you don't know me, but I have followed your blog since my boys (mono twins) were born at 30 weeks. You gave me such hope that our little guys would be okay. I loved reading about A&A through the past year. I share with the other friends that prayers will be lifted up for you. I don't know your pain personally but I have experienced the gut wrenching pain of losing that baby that you thought for sure would be a part of your family. I have a friend that had two failed IVF attempts and then while taking time off to heal (physically and emotionally) she got pregnant on her own..after four years of trying. Docs of course say, "doesn't even make sense" but I say, "Our GOD is bigger and more mysterious than our human mind can comprehend"...I don't have answers, just a heavy heart for you and your family. I will pray DAILY for you to conceive that precious life that you so desperately desire. Also, God gives us desires in our heart for a reason. I feel sure that one day you will be able to share your journey (as you already have with your boys) and others will grow and be comforted by you and the walk God has taken you on. Till then, The Pate Family in B'ham Alabama will be praying daily for you and your soon to be new family addition. And thank you for sharing your heart with us all...your words are powerful.

Psalm 46:10 "Be STILL and KNOW I AM GOD!"...such a comforting verse for me in my days (past and present)...

And if you have the chance, look up the song "No Matter What" by Kerrie Roberts...amazing words for you right now as well as so many others I pray for in my day that have lost their babies...

Dana Pate

Georgearoo said...

I know just what it is like to be so grateful for what you have, yet to want to bring another child, a sibling, into a loving family. I will hope for you that you are able to have another child soon. Thank you for sharing.